Retirement Planning

My wife’s jaw was set, lips thinning, arms crossing, and foot beginning to tap. I was too far in now to stop or back out. I had a plan.

We had a mess of guys working for us doing interesting things that were mostly intentional but not often profitable. Somehow in the process I noticed that not only did I overpay them most of the time but Uncle Sam seemed to believe he ought to overpay them as well.

I don’t always know how I managed the time necessary to do my part but my wife was popping out kids like a commercial for the Salad Shooter. Between doing that and work, it was harder and harder to dodge the extortionist that the Department of Labor and Industries was sending after me.

“How the hell do you do it?” I asked one of the guys. “God-dang, I pay you a lot but not THAT much! “Oh, we’re on welfare” “Does it pay pretty good?” “Yeah. It’s great Boss. You should go apply.”

After a few day of thinking I went down and did some digging and a plan started to emerge.

If I got a divorce and kept the house, my wife could get on welfare and rent the house for free using Section 8. Heating assistance, free medical and dental, free phone, food stamps, special food bank privileges, and public transportation were all on the table. BUT WAIT FOR IT!!!!! I could live with her as her dead-beat boyfriend!

I could get a part-time job for only 45-50 hour a week and we could be rich! This was my big break. This was WAY more money than this bumpkin was used to and we wouldn’t have ANY BILLS!

I was so stoked and practiced the plan in my head all the way home. I finally made it. Finally hit the big time.

She was curious about the excitement then started looking like Tucker Carlson on Fox News when he’s trying to understand his interviewees. I was telling her all the great stuff we were going to do with this enormous wind-fall including all the time off.

She was wiggling around like she had something important to tell me but her expression didn’t mirror any appreciation for genius.

“Well? Wadda you think?!”

“If you want a divorce, You can go FUCK yourself.”

“Oh”

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Retirement Planning

  1. Hi Convert,

    My laughter grew by the word. Too funny. Five stars. Yes, we are men, but occasionally we must become a woman. Domestic accommodation depends upon it. This is particularly true of the writer. For a male writer, taking an accurate feminine POV is money in the bank. It’s hard for me, years pushing the revolving door of singledom.. Anyway, you might be interested in this aside: I once knew a guy who did exactly what you are talking about. Made out like a bandit. Then he pushed his luck. Decided to up his insurance and burn down his house. They caught him and it wasn’t just the gasoline. No, he told the investigators that he always took his family and four cats when he went on hunting trips into the woods. That was the deal breaker. Thanks. Duke

    Liked by 1 person

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