Sissy was just moving outta diapers when the next next kid was coming out of the chute. She didn’t quite make the grade and back slid a bit when the next of kin was born. We were pumping out more cash than I was comfortable with anyways, not to mention that the great hope of my life was that she would be toilet trained for good was set back awhile.
My strategy was to grouse about it but that didn’t work so we kept at the whole catch ’em before they crap thing till she got it right.
Having done the math it was roughly 23 cents per diaper and I was pretty sure I’d eventually need to know that to explain it to the bankruptcy judge.
I had jokes I told myself to feel better such as ‘most of everything I make goes to shit’ and ‘kids are just machines designed to turn perfectly good food into diaper sludge’. You know, normal stuff like that that most folks say.
So anyway, one day when I was taking my kids for a drag…. I meant for a walk, a walk! That was a slip, really. We were at Ma’s Video…. Let me explain here a quick thing. Back before Al Gore invented gravity, ‘er um, the internet, we used to have to go to a store that would rent movies that we could take home and watch and return them the next day or so.
While we were there some kids were messing with one of those glass bowl candy dispensers full of M&Ms with the slot to stick a quarter in so your dreams come true. I dragged my kids over to the candy machine and showed them a quarter and explained that we had to pay one of these for each diaper and that if they used the toilet it would save a quarter meaning we could have money left over to do this….. Ta Daaaaa! and showed them a handful of M&Ms.
A few days passed and mortality loomed, creeping closer when I heard Sis squawking as she tore from her bedroom, thru the living room, and past me in the kitchen. I GOTTA SAVE A QUARTER DAAAD!
DAD LISTEN!! I came around where she sat expectantly with eyes half closed… then… there it was. A merry tinkling in the toilet. She smiled smug!!
I saved a quarter dad. Can we get some candy?
Well…. wadda ya know!